i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
