can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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