i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
