Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
