if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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