why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
