don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
