To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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