woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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