Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
