we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
