I think i peed on brittanys purse
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
