everyone is single if you try hard enough
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
