I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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