meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
