guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
