The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
