you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I touched a dick in church today
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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