I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
