guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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