she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
