a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I booty called her while she was in labor.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
