Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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