I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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