Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
