she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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