I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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