She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
