There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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