I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
