listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
