i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
