when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
