My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
