i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
