Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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