Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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