**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
