if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
