I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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