"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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