Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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