well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
