He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
