From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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