My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
