Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
