do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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