I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
