Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
