Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
