i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
