that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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