just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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